Sarafan's Lament
by Flame of Corruption
Summary: It's not like Sarafans were sitting around their fat bottoms and did nothing until Raz came along and opened the door. In fact, they DID do something......... something stupid. This is their story.


Disclaimer: I do not own Legacy of Kain series and any other things that the readers might recognize it as a copy righted or trade marked item.  
  
Note: Please excuse the abrupt changed in script form. I originally planned to draw this as a comic instead of a fiction. But I don't have enough time and skill yet, so there. Also if you must know, I was possessed by Hylden while writing this, so don't try to think too much. That is all.  
  
[ ] - things going on at the background.  
  
// // - people thingking.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
It's not like Sarafans were sitting around their fat asses and did nothing until Raz came along and opened the door. In fact, they DID do something......something stupid. This is their story.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
[Sarafan's Lament]  
  
"Mankind seemed to have brought you only torment and grief. You must hate them."  
  
"Should they be forgiven?"  
  
There were certain rings to the words he spoke. Each passing moments of conversing with Raziel, Janos Audron, the Reaver guardian and same time the most powerful vampire of all, felt himself contemplating the past.......and later, mentally wincing. Ironic. If you only knew...... Humanity brought me torment and grief, indeed. The greatest suffering I ever had to endure, however, was brought by YOU. Nevertheless, it will not change my answer.  
  
".......no - I do not hate them. They are simply unenlightened and vulnerable to manipulation."  
  
10 years before this conversation takes place...... It was the time when Raziel and his brethren were 19 ~ 21 years old good-looking boys before they became nutty zealots we all know and killed. Heck, some of them were even pretty (Raziel and Turel. I'll say it here and now).  
  
It was one fine day at the Sarafan stronghold. In a circular hall, which would later become their memorial, six elite warrior priests gathered around a long table and were rigorously planning Janos Audron's demise.  
  
Turel: ..... So, because of high wind and ice, it's impossible to get a secure footing to climb into the retreat.  
  
Raziel: Thank you for the report, Turel. (addresses all) This concludes that there is no means of entry from the ground level. We could devise our own, but it will make us to lose the element of surprise, which will put our brothers into a trap or direct line of fire. It's too dangerous. The best method of engagement would be luring the fiend out of its nest.  
  
Zephon: But our exhibitions of vampire hunt did not make the fiend move. What can make it do so?  
  
Raziel: Conventional taunt will not work on a cold-hearted and evil abomination such as this.  
  
Melchiah: Do you have a plan, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Melchiah: What is it?  
  
Raziel: (smirk) Let's streak.  
  
Two Sarafan guards outside saw crows on the circular chapel room suddenly taking flight as if they were spooked by something. If they didn't know that crows can't talk, they could swear those crows were screaming bloody murder.  
  
Raziel: (looking at a picture he took) Your facial expressions are simply astounding.  
  
The picture Raziel took with a huge 1940 style Polaroid camera he somehow managed to get was something of Pulitzer Prize worthy. It showed Dumah's horrified face, Turel getting petrified, Rahab choking on his tea and spraying all over the place - only to see Zephon dodging it by passing out induced movement. Melchiah was doing ever famous 'Scream' impression.  
  
Raziel: (to all his brethren who rushed over to Raziel and started yelling at same time) One at a time.  
  
Dumah: What the f*ck is wrong with you?! Do you want us to strip in that snowy mountain top? Without a single weapon? IN FRONT OF THE INFAMOUS FIEND JANOS AUDRON, THREE SARAFAN REGIMENTS, AND ENTIRE POPULATION OF USCHTENHEIM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel: Yes.  
  
Melchiah: (dead pan) Have you been sniffing the incense again?  
  
Raziel: No, and that's an insolence, whelp! (smack Melchiah's head upside down)  
  
[Rahab: (seeing Zephon sprawled at the floor and not moving) Zephon? Zephon! Don't try to find easy way out!]  
  
Turel: (almost in tears) Why, Raziel? I mean, WHY?!!!!!!! Is this a punishment of some sort?  
  
Raziel: No, no. I don't think any of you realize the potential of this plan. (matter-of-fact tone) Blood, death, and suffering cling on vampires. The wicked ones will not be fazed by such. On the contrary, they still retain some of human mannerism. If we show something that is insulting to all males in general sense, it might be compelled to come out.  
  
//Brethren: (as they listen to Raziel's babbling) Damn it, Raziel. You sadistic bastard..... We're already considered 'ambiguous' as it is! If we do something like this, we'll never get laid ever again.....//  
  
//Melchia: Maybe I should just give up.... (sob) //  
  
Dumah: Did you say it 'might'?  
  
Raziel: Anyway, that's the plan. I expect all of your cooperation.  
  
Zephone: (whose eyes snap open) Wait! Don't we have per say on this?!  
  
Raziel: (straight face) No, because I'm your commanding officer.  
  
//Brethren: Oh my god.... We got to think something fast......//  
  
Zephon: Brother Rahab, do something!  
  
Rahab: What can I do? What hope do I have against that idiot?  
  
Zephon: ....You know, if we do this, sister Azari will never look at you the same way.  
  
Rahab: (spitefully glares at smiling Zephon for few minute) Fine. But on one condition: I get to stab you if you mention that to ANYONE after this moment.  
  
Zephon: Agreed.  
  
Raziel: Prepare yourself for the mission. We will depart in 3 hours.  
  
Rahab: Raziel, there is a serious flaw in this plan.  
  
Raziel: What?  
  
Rahab: Since Janos Audron is truly vile and evil creature, not only this....act will have no effect against it, it will actually LIKE it. We CAN'T do something that will please the fiend, now can we? (all brethren nods)  
  
Raziel seemed to think about it for seconds.  
  
Raziel: That seems to be a valid point. Of course we can't do it if there is even a single chance of pleasing it! (bit annoyed since they didn't get to use his idea) Hmmm.., I guess that brings us back to beginning. Any other ideas?  
  
//Brethren: We are saved. //  
  
Their attention was diverted to a rushed foot step that sounded as if someone is running down the corridor and coming this way. Then Moebius bursts into the meeting room. He slows down and approaches Raziel, panting and wheezing all the while.  
  
Raziel: Lord Moebius, are you alright?  
  
Moebius: (trying very hard to hide the fact that he ran all the way from his Time Streaming chamber to here after he found out what's going on with his basin) I....*pant*....was just...passing by *wheezing*.....and couldn't help but overhear ........... your discussion. I think it's a cunning plan. You should do it.  
  
Raziel: (brightens up) You really think so?  
  
Moebius: Yes. Even if it doesn't work as we planned, let's just do it for good measure! So now, go on. Chop, chop.  
  
Raziel: Alright, you heard the lord.  
  
//Brethren: GODDAMN IT!!!!!!!! //  
  
Turel: (shaking in anger) With all due respect, my lord.... ARE YOU GAY!!!  
  
Moebius: (slowly turns away and pause. then) No.  
  
//Brethren: YOU ARE!!!!!!!//  
  
Melchiah: What if it DOES come out?  
  
Dumah: Three Sarafan regiments, remember?  
  
Melchiah: (grimly) Oh, yeah....  
  
Same day - Janos's Retreat. The owner of the retreat and Vorador, his visiting childer, heard a commotion outside when the young one got his hand slapped away as he was trying to pick up a blood cinnamon cookie among a batch that Janos just took out from oven.  
  
Janos: (taking off his apron, sighing) What are they up to this time....?  
  
Vorador: You need not grace them with your presence. Allow me.  
  
Vorador approached to the balcony to see the source of this commotion. Stupid cattle, bothering my Sire like that. I shall make you regret for ever setting a foot on this ground. He got to near edge of the balcony and looked down. His left eye started to twitch.  
  
Vorador: What in the nine circles of Hell?!!!!  
  
On a rock middle of frozen lake, Vorador saw six Sarafan generals in nothing but color-coded loin cloths.  
  
Melchiah: (writing his will) Dear mother, this unworthy son goes to the blessed place before you, due to my service to certain diabolical leaderships. My only wish is to be buried with two or three beautiful women. Please honor my last wish. Good bye, mom. I love you, too. (signs it)  
  
Zephon: (slight sign of hypothermia) Raier.....iv ai dai ike dish, aul kambacaz zant spade and vitt yo ash! [Translation: Raziel, if I die like this, I'll come back as a giant spider and bite your ass!]  
  
Raziel: Sure, go for it. //Like that's going to happen...//  
  
Turel: Hey, isn't that its childer?  
  
Raziel: Even better. Ok, everyone! Drop the loin cloths!  
  
Vorador dropped to the floor like a lead, clutching his eyes.  
  
Vorador: Gahhhh!!!! I'm blind! Curse you all to hell!!!!!!  
  
Janos: What is it, child? (rushes to Vorador's side)  
  
Vorador: No, Sire! Don't come!  
  
Janos: Huh? (accidentally sees outside the boundary) Ahhhhh!!!!! I'm in pain! What did I do to deserve this?!!!! (collapse to the floor and whimper)  
  
Raziel: (proudly) Look at them writhe in pain!  
  
Turel: I don't blame them.......  
  
Around same time elsewhere....  
  
At the hill of Uschtenheim, Malek was trying to lose all the Sarafans trying to prevent him from approach the 'mission' area. [Malek: (holding a camera) Out of my way, you whelp! Let me just take one picture for blackmail then I'll make peace with you!]  
  
Moebius was in his basin room right next to the Time Streaming chamber. On the door outside his room, there was a small sign that said 'Do Not Disturb'. There, Moebius gaze into a vision reflected on the basin. He smiled and blushed. Very sickening.  
  
Back to current era, 10 years after the 'incident'.  
  
After he gave Raziel his answer, Janos briefly looked at Raziel - top to bottom. Raziel was wearing only his cowl and boots.  
  
'I must say, Raziel.... Despite all the trails and hardship you must have gone through, you didn't change much. As before, you are still the same Flash Gordon.' A big sweatdrop appeared on Janos's head.  
  
"Janos?" Puzzled Raziel waved his hand in front of zoomed out Janos.  
  
Late Blood Omen 2 era, Sarafan Tomb.  
  
Kain approaches a sarcophagus and opens it to raise his first lieutenant. Then he sees it's occupied by three people. Two of them appear to be women - according to what's left of their hair and remains of clothing that he wasn't sure whether the cause of its minimal size was due to decomposition. Kain slowly backs away from the coffin.  
  
"Urrrr... It might not be so wise to raise that one first. Hmmm... Why don't I go for that one over there?" - Fin. 


End file.
